118. How ‘Remembering Your Why’ is Gaslighting Teachers and Leading to Burnout—What to Do Instead

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How many times have you been told to “find your why” or “remember your why” when you are feeling burnt out and exhausted? To be honest, it’s simply not helpful. Knowing your why originally was meant to inspire and encourage teachers but now, it’s become a source of anxiety and guilt for many. But how can we move away from this toxic idea of “remembering our why”?

Teachers are so often told to focus entirely on the students, on the school, on the community, on the difference they’re making, etc. The thing is, when you are focusing solely on everyone else and taking on more and more responsibilities, there is no room for taking care of us as individuals. In this episode, I am sharing how we can move away from these toxic ideas and redefine our purpose, reclaim our joy in teaching, and how you can find a “why” that fuels you and empowers you instead of draining you

TOPICS COVERED:

• The pitfalls of the mantra "find your why" in the teaching profession

• How societal pressures and expectations can contribute to educator burnout

• The detrimental effects of prioritizing student-focused goals over personal well-being

• Understanding the root causes of burnout in teachers and the inadequacy of traditional solutions

•  Strategies for redefining your personal "why" to promote self-care and well-being

• Shifting focus from giving everything to others toward maintaining a balanced and fulfilling personal life

• Encouragement to advocate for systemic changes within the education system while prioritizing individual wellness

RELATED RESOURCES:

• Join the Waitlist for Automate Your Classroom Course - Learn the step-by-step roadmap TO creating a sustainable teacher task simplification and automation system to beat burnout, squash stress, get back YOUR time, and sustain your career in education

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• Connect with Brittany on Instagram @teachingmindbodyandsoul
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RELATED EPISODES:

• Episode 59: Breathing Life into Education: The Power of Breathwork in Reducing Stress & Teacher Burnout with Dr. Katie Raher [Summer Self-Care Series]
• Episode 60: Unlocking Classroom Success: 4 Types of Systems You Need to Stress Less & Sustain Your Career [Summer Self-Care Series] with Special Guest Samantha Holcomb
• Episode 61: Tapping into Joyful Living Inside & Outside of the Classroom: Strategies for Teacher Happiness with Special Guest Maddy Fry
• Episode 62: Digital Organization: Your Secret Weapon for Stress-Free Teaching with Special Guest Lisa McHargue

MORE ABOUT THE RESILIENT TEACHER PODCAST:

The Resilient Teacher Podcast is the show that will give overwhelmed educators the support, tools, and mindset to reduce teacher burnout and keep teaching sustainable. Each week, Brittany Blackwell, M.Ed. & her guests will share inspiration and actionable steps to avoid or recover from the dreaded teacher burnout. You'll be inspired to individualize self-care and learn to prioritize your well-being and mental health, all while making a bigger impact on your classrooms and community.

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TRANSCRIPT:

[0:01] Raise your hand if you've ever heard the phrase, find your why, or remember your why.

[0:07] I can almost guarantee that you just about threw up. And I don't blame you. Like, seriously, I know the idea in sharing this mantra was meant to keep us motivated, meant to keep us focused by connecting to this higher purpose. But let's be real. Like, it's played out. And while that concept can be super powerful, in teaching, it can lead to an unhealthy mindset leading to that burnout. In today's episode, we are going to explore how this traditional why can turn toxic, creating a cycle of guilt, burnout, and unrealistic expectations for teachers. We're going to chat about my experience with this, how we can push back, and my process for finding a why that fuels you and empowers you instead of draining you. No toxicity here. You are going to want to stick around to the end because it

[0:54] might just be exactly what you need to hear. So let's not waste any time and let's get into it.

[1:19] Before we hop into this brand new episode, I want to give a huge shout out to our community reviewer of the week, Listen Up With Miss Jess. She left a five-star review on Apple Podcasts sharing, second-year teacher, this is my first time here, I am ready to dive into this podcast and have less burnout. I need some tricks of the trade. Thank you, Ms. Jess, for being here so early on in your journey to beat burnout. It means the world to know that these episodes are here to support you, and I think we have like over 100 now. And so if you haven't yet and you've been listening to this podcast for a while, or If you just found it, I would love it if you just take a moment to leave a five-star review to. It's a small gesture. It takes like two seconds, but it makes a huge impact overall. It helps other educators to find this community, and it gives more teachers the tools that they need to break free from burnout for good. So most of us have heard the phrase, find your why, or maybe it's remember your why, right? It's practically become the go-to mantra in teaching.

[2:22] But here's where it comes from, because you may not know this, but Simon Sinek popularized this idea in his book, Start With Why. And he talks about how deeply connected with your purpose, your why, how it can keep you motivated, how it can keep you focused, how it can keep you inspired. And he talks about the psychology behind that and whatnot as well. But he found that successful leaders, successful companies often anchor themselves to a larger purpose, something beyond their day-to-day grind or profit or whatever. And so the education system.

[3:00] Like just hooked onto that idea. They really liked it. And for many teachers, that purpose or that why is, I mean, tell me if I'm wrong, right? But it's the desire to make a difference. It's the desire to change lives or to be a positive force in the lives of young people. Like I can think of when I first heard this term, it was during the pandemic. Like I think that's where it got popularized and so that's why i i don't like it so much because so many of us were burned out during that time and i was thinking about it and the idea of remember your why i became a middle school teacher because that was the hardest years of my life like i wish that i had had an educator who would just take the time to talk to me to listen to me to help me to deal with all of these issues that were going on or that go on in the life of the middle schooler and i wanted to be that for other students i wanted to be there for those students to make that impact and so, when i first heard that i thought yeah that's enough but.

[4:13] And for a while like for real like it worked like a guiding star, but let's just think about this when the concept is applied to education long term it it can lead to this unhealthy mindset one where our why is focused solely or entirely on students the school the system the community and there is almost no room left for us as individuals.

[4:48] Telling teachers to remember their why or to find their why, this can be toxic. Number one, because it's gaslighting. Like the idea of finding your why starts to feel like gaslighting. Teachers are constantly reminded to remember their why. They like why they started teaching. And it's like the only reason that we're feeling burned out is because we've forgotten our purpose. But here's the reality. Like we haven't forgotten anything. We know exactly why we go into the classroom day after day. We care deeply about our students. I don't think there is a single teacher out there who doesn't care about the kids that aren't committed to making a difference, that aren't doing everything they can to help them succeed. But if we're struggling, if we're exhausted, if we're not feeling our best, it's not because we've lost sight of our purpose, right? Right. Like it's because we're operating within this system that often doesn't support us or that expects us to give our all and do nothing in return for ourselves. It's a system that keeps piling on more responsibilities without giving us the time, the resources, the respect that we need in order to make those demands. And so when.

[6:04] Admin or whoever is telling us that the solution is just to remember our why. It's almost like saying, you know, the problem isn't the workload. It's that you're not motivated enough. That's gaslighting, plain and simple. And it takes the responsibility off of the system and places it right back on us. And so remembering this why is toxic for that reason. The number two reason that this is toxic is it implies that we aren't doing enough or that we don't care enough. And that's a dangerous mindset. It makes it seem like those teachers who do set boundaries or who leave work at a reasonable time or who don't take grading home, those are somehow less committed educators. There's this unspoken judgment that if you're not giving every last ounce of yourself, if you're not fully invested in your students, then you don't care.

[6:58] But teaching is already an all-consuming job those of us who learn to set healthy boundaries we're not doing a worse job we're actually doing what it takes to sustain our passion to sustain our energy in the long run and when we think about our why solely in terms of our impact on students it creates an invisible weight it's like our purpose is all about other people and it becomes easy to ignore what we as people need to thrive. And that's where it gets toxic, right? Like when the purpose is all about what's out there, the students, the next lesson, the curriculum, the community, the school, whatever, it's really easy to sideline ourselves, to give until we are drained. And I think that's made a big impact on teachers as a whole since this whole remember your why came out. You know what I'm about right like that feeling that you have to give 110 every single day because that's what good teachers do right that's what your why demands but that mindset as meaningful as it seems.

[8:09] That is what is burning out some teachers really fast and it can leave us feeling guilty for wanting things like a manageable workload the time for ourselves.

[8:19] Simply the right to say like, I've done enough for today, right?

[8:23] We should never feel like we're failing because we're choosing to take care of ourselves. Caring about our kids, caring about our students, you know, caring about ourselves, those aren't opposite things. In fact, they are both necessary in order to truly be there for the students. Number three reason that this is super toxic is because it lets the system off the hook. Like this traditional focus on personal purpose on finding our why as a reason to stick it out, that ends up letting the system off the hook. It shifts the conversation away from what the real issues of accountability look like in schools and districts and even at a policy level. Instead of addressing things like unrealistic workloads or lack of resources or these ever increasing demands, it's almost as if we're saying like, if you care enough, you'll make it work somehow. And that is not sustainable. and it's truly why we need to recognize that self-care and setting boundaries those aren't just personal choices they are forms of pushing back against a system that is taking too much from both teachers and from students and when teachers set those boundaries when they prioritize their health when we can call out the conditions that are causing our burnout we're advocating for the long-term well-being of the whole system itself so instead of this traditional way of.

[9:51] Finding our why in teaching because it is it's toxic right like what we want to do is we want to approach this whole thing differently and i think this is where administrators or principals or whoever we need to we need to shift the focus of the conversation where instead of defining our why in terms of what we give we're defining it in terms of how we treat ourselves.

[10:16] Think about it like what if your why wasn't just about the students it wasn't about the school but it was about you the person that you are outside of

[10:25] your job because if your why only serves other.

[10:29] People it's going to drain you but if it is serving you it's going to fill you up so when i talk about finding your why in terms of self-care i mean getting intentional about the reasons that you set boundaries the reasons that you leave work at work the reasons that you protect your peace it's about recognizing that you're not just a teacher okay you're a whole person with needs with dreams with a life outside of your classroom and finding a personal why is your permission slip to make choices that support your well-being so maybe it's why you seek joy in your classroom what if your why was about finding joy in your teaching not just about for your students but for you like imagine what it would be like to bring back a sense of playfulness of curiosity or creativity to your lesson simply because it's fulfilling right i had an episode with jed dairyberry and i'll link it in the show notes but he has this really great mentality about finding joy through play and through creativity and so if you're looking for that or if you if you want to infuse that go back to that episode and listen this is a purpose that's going to let you reclaim joy as an essential part of your career it's not just an occasional perk right.

[11:53] Maybe it's you are reclaiming your why for why you're here to learn too because.

[12:01] It's a chance for us to learn and for us to grow alongside our students when we approach teaching as part of our own lifelong learning journey it somehow allows us to feel curious to feel inspired right you're not just guiding other people's learning but you're getting to discover new things and challenge yourself and stay mentally engaged too and i think we often forget that piece we often forget that we are lifelong learners and we we don't make it a challenge and so sometimes we get to feeling bad like we're supposed to have it all together but in in fact this is this is growth we're learning we're reaching it meeting a new challenge where we can start to learn too maybe it's reclaiming your why for why you value connection over perfection. Like less about these perfect outcomes, right? And more about these genuine connections with students. Maybe it's connections with your colleagues. Maybe it's connection with yourself. Like instead of chasing that perfection that we often do in teaching, because we think everything has to be perfect, everything has to be lined up. Maybe it's just the focus on building those authentic relationships. It makes your work feel more rewarding. And it reminds you that teaching is about humans. It's not about standardized test scores. It's not about metrics in general.

[13:29] It's about that human connection. And sometimes that just helps us to feel more in control.

[13:38] Maybe it's why you prioritize your own growth as much as your students, right? Like I just said, teaching can also be about personal growth, but it's also about professional or emotional growth. If your why is centered on your own development, then every challenge and every success becomes part of your journey. You're not just supporting your students, you're evolving too. Maybe it's why you choose balance as a form of excellence. Like balance can be a powerful why, especially where burnout is so common in teaching, right? Like defining excellence as a balanced life, that's where you're able to take care of your students and yourself. So it's about modeling these sustainable success metrics for students and showing them what it looks like to thrive without sacrificing your well-being. Maybe it's why you advocate for yourself and for others or why others.

[14:34] It doesn't have to be just for students but it can be for yourself for your fellow educators setting boundaries or speaking out against working conditions can be truly very powerful acts of self-respect and integrity and it sets that example for strength for accountability for the overall system what if it's about why you choose to set boundaries like if your why is centered around setting boundaries it's not because you're lazy it's not because you don't care, but it's because you deserve joy inside and outside of the classroom. Setting boundaries is not about doing less. It's about doing enough to be present and energized. Like I set boundaries because I deserve joy. I deserve energy for my own life too.

[15:23] Boundaries might look like, you know, ignoring emails outside of work hours, refusing to stay late. And this is powerful because it It reclaims the narrative that you're setting boundaries for your own well-being, not because you've lost your why, right? Maybe it's you choose, it's your why you choose to leave work at work, right? It's not about just clocking out. It's about recognizing like your personal time, it matters. When you leave work at work, you are giving yourself permission to be a whole person, not just a teacher, right? Maybe it's I deserve time to nurture my relationships, to nurture my family, to explore my interest. Or maybe it's just to relax. Letting yourself disconnect at the end of your workday is not something to feel guilty about. It's a right. Maybe it's why you deserve to be a healthy teacher. Like the idea that teachers must give it all until they have nothing left.

[16:22] That is a myth that needs breaking, right? I think we're going through that movement and we're making that progress, but being a healthy teacher, that's not about just having more energy for your students. It's about recognizing that you have worth, treating yourself with respect, recognizing that you need energy for you too. Maybe it's, I choose to be a healthy teacher because I deserve to feel good. I deserve to feel strong in my life, not just in my work. And when we honor our health, we're honoring ourselves. And that makes us better. That makes us more compassionate teachers in the long run. Maybe it's why protecting your peace is a right.

[17:04] Teaching is demanding. It's emotionally and mentally demanding. And if we don't protect our peace, if we risk feeling disconnected from our passion, then.

[17:17] We're not going anywhere maybe it's just simply like i protect my peace because i'm more than just my job i deserve to feel whole and grounded and present in my life and protecting your peace could just mean that you're setting these emotional boundaries it may mean that you're refusing to take on more work-related stress or just having a transition ritual which we've talked about in previous episodes where you're unwinding after your day this is not it's not just self-care okay it is necessary care and when we protect our peace we're feeling and making sure that teaching can be that sustainable career long term not just a sprint to the next burnout right we're not just staying in that cycle. So I hope that you can find a why that makes you feel whole, that not, not hollow, because I've done that. I felt that way. A why that, that fuels you and not drains you. A why that says you matter just as much as the work you do. You matter just as much as your students.

[18:26] Because when you are not able to care for yourself, you're not able to be the teacher that you always wanted to be so here's a question that i'd love for you to think about really quick what would your why be if it was all about treating yourself well what would it look like what if your why was the reason that you set boundaries the reason that you leave work at work the reason that you keep some energy left for you or that you focus on creating more energy outside of the classroom.

[19:00] Let that idea sit with you for a minute, because I think redefining this why could truly change everything about how you approach your work, how you approach your health and your life, your mindset. And hey, like when you've defined your why for yourself, share it. Seriously, like post it on social media, tag me, you know, tag this episode. You have no idea how empowering it can be for other educators to see that you are reclaiming your why and what that truly means don't forget you are a resilient teacher we're in this together you got this.